Your friend is not your therapist

Hubert Humphrey once said, “The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.” But what if your pain is bigger than the bandaid that love and companionship offer?

There are times when a tub of ice cream and a friend’s ear simply aren’t enough to unravel the baggage you carry. Try as you might, the pain sits on your shoulders like an overladen backpack, weighing you down with every step. Desperate for help, you may turn and unload on your friends. Yet as time passes, their schedules get fuller, they stop picking up the phone, and you find yourself more isolated than ever before.

But why? Weren’t these people your friends? Why would they abandon you in your time of need?

What happened?

It’s an all-too-common scenario for people who struggle with long-term mental health challenges. We all have bad days, but when those bad days become consecutive and your troubles become all-consuming, you may find yourself inadvertently driving away the people you love.

Before you begin to question the fortitude of your relationships, know this: there are times when we need our friends and there are times when we need a therapist.

Here’s why these two roles are not―and cannot―be the same.

The Line Between Friendship and Therapy

When hard times hit, your first instinct may be to turn to your friends. These relationships can be solid ground in the midst of life’s turbulence, but there are some hurdles that are too tall for even the best of friends to help you clear. Serious mental health issues often fall into this category.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, nearly one in five U.S. adults live with mental illness. From depression and anxiety to PTSD and bipolar disorder, these complex medical conditions have the ability to upend our emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Like any other health condition, you may need medical attention in order to overcome mental illness or find coping mechanisms that make day-to-day life easier. It’s in these moments that friends can be part of your support system, but they cannot bear the brunt of your struggles by acting as your therapist.

Friends are Not Equipped to Treat Your Mental Illness

Friends aren’t trained medical professionals. Expecting them to perform the role of one isn’t fair to you or to them.

No matter how much your friends care about you, they aren’t equipped to provide you with the right guidance or treatment to cope with mental illness. Even with the best intentions, they can give the wrong advice or fail to provide the right empathy, understanding, or insight. Beyond that, leaning too hard on your friends can poison the relationship.

“If someone is always the one that’s listening and absorbing all that stress, it’s really hard for them to feel like they’re getting their needs met,” psychologist Andrea Bonior, Ph.D. said in an article for Glamour. “The danger isn’t only feeling burnt out but feeling resentful when your friends don’t ask you how you’re doing.”

Like you, your friends have limits. If you put them in a position where they’re forced to absorb the heavy emotions you’re enduring on a regular basis, it can drain them to the point where they may need to distance themselves from these “venting sessions” just to protect their own mental health.

This doesn’t mean they aren’t true friends or that they don’t care. Rather, it’s a sign that what you’re going through is too heavy for the everyday person to handle.

Lean on a Therapist When Things Get Heavy

Psychotherapist Jeffrey Sumber, MA, LCPC, said in an interview with Psych Central, “Therapy, in its best sense, is a process of unfolding our inherent wisdom that is oftentimes trapped beneath layers of conditioning, fear, and reactivity. Our friends are oftentimes either happy for us or afraid for us but typically are not engineering their feedback to support long-term growth and change.”

Therapists help you unravel the cause of your mental illness and discover a path to recovery. Their office is a safe space where you can be completely honest. All conversations are confidential and provide unbiased feedback from a medical perspective. Plus, they have the professional training that enables them to properly identify what you’re going through and safely provide the appropriate treatment, coping mechanisms, and guidance.

How to Maintain Friendships When You’re Struggling

Unfortunately, treating mental illness isn’t always a quick or easy fix. Recovery often takes time. So how do you protect your friendship when you are still struggling day-to-day?

Be Mindful of What Your Friends Can Handle

It’s okay to not be okay, but keep in mind that not everyone has the emotional capacity to talk about the heavy things you’re going through. Every friend is different. Be mindful of their mental health and emotional thresholds.

If you’re having a hard day and want to talk, it’s okay to reach out to a friend, but be attentive to their reaction. Is the weight of your struggle being projected upon them or are they able and willing to provide the support you need? If he or she is open and receptive, great! If not, don’t be afraid to reach out to a crisis helpline or a professional capable of providing the support you need.

Nurture Friendships, Even in Hard Times

It’s important to nurture friendships — even when you’re struggling. Don’t make it all about you. Ask your friends how they’re doing and find a balance between the good times and the bad.

Establish a Network of Mental Health Resources

Being a good friend doesn’t mean ignoring heavy times or pretending you’re okay when you’re not. Make it a point to create a network of mental health resources for hard times, such as:

• Access to crisis helplines such as IM Alive Online Crisis Network or Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• Local Support Groups
• A therapist you’re comfortable opening up to and working with
• Helpful coping mechanisms
• Healthy outlets for processing emotions

Mental illness isn’t something you should be ashamed of, nor is it something you need to hide from the friends you trust. However, it’s important to maintain healthy relationships and environments as you work through your struggles.

Find and establish a good balance between therapy and friendship that offers you the help you need, reminds you that you aren’t alone, and fosters a positive environment for recovery and growth.